After the birth of our third child last week, my wife and I are probably going to be on a suspension of marital relations for a bit. We've basically had the last nine months to not have to think about cycles or abstinence, and it's been great, but that time is now officially over and we're in a different season now, as Solomon writes, "There is a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing" (Ecc 3:5).
So, a few quick things I try to keep in mind during these seasons, learned over time and with quite a bit of faltering along the way:
1) Take captive every thought (2 Cor 10:5). You have no right to look at another woman and/or entertain any thoughts or fantasies about her. Let me repeat that: you have no right. This is what we mean we say 'taking it (lust) out of the frame'--it simply should have no place to make a home in your heart or mind, there is no room at the inn. We know the words of the Lord with regards to lust and adultery (Mt 5:28). We can admire a woman's beauty objectively but when it descends to a place of sordid ransomed ownership (undressing with the eyes, holding images in the mind for later, etc), that is the delineation into sin, and it needs to be stopped in its tracks.
How? Some pragmatic steps are 1) bouncing the eyes to avert temptation; 2) not going back for 'second looks'; 3) a quick prayer--like notching an arrow in a bow--such as a recitation of a Psalm. My go-to is Psalm 69:2: "Oh God, come to my assistance; O Lord, make haste to help me!"
2) Fasting (Mt 17:21). I never understood the connection between gluttony and lust, thinking that limiting food as a spiritual discipline would invite stronger sexual passions. The opposite is actually true, as St. John Cassian notes, "The man who looks after his belly and at the same time hopes to control the passion of fornication is like someone trying to put out a fire with oil." Fasting helps us to control our appetites, put them in right context, and gives the opportunity to practice self-mastery. In times of separation and abstinence, fasting is a good discipline to keep the mind focused.
You can fast anywhere at any time. Sometimes if I can't do a full on fast, I will simply skip a meal, and not eat in between, say, breakfast and lunch. Or reduce to half of what you would normally eat for those meals as well. Or simply subsist on bread and water or juice for a day once or twice a week. For men, temptations to lust via the urges of the body need to be tempered, and fasting from food (rather than social media, or some other thing) hits straight to those bodily urgings and works to subject them to the will and reason. Living on bread for a day or reducing your meals isn't going to kill you, but it may be uncomfortable. That's the point.
3) Habit. It takes time to get into a bad habit, and it takes time to get out. If you are inclined towards pornography or masturbation during times of abstinence or dischord, remember #1 and #2, but also that the more you feed such things the stronger they grow. You have to starve it. When I was single I would look at pornography online...not all the time, but sometimes. I always figured if I give in this time I would get a good fix and then forget about it. That's not how it works. The more you give in, the more you spin your tires in a mud rut, the deeper it gets. Cut it out, cold turkey, get clean days under your belt, and, moving on to #4...
4) Buck up and take it like a man. I don't think women's biology allows them to fully appreciate just how much men's sex drive is tied to their physiology. There is an almost physical pressure exerted to do what we do as men when it comes to sex; God designed that drive, and it is good in its right context. Without some kind of healthy sublimation, the build up of sperm can feel like it is going to your head. It's going to be uncomfortable mentally, and maybe even physically. That's ok....you're not going to die. It also doesn't give you an excuse to go outside your covenant looking for sexual self-satisfaction. But having an attitude of willing discomfort rather than entitled self-serving will help you offer it as a mortification and to grow in chastity. Chastity takes practice, it doesn't come easily thanks to concupiscence. We know what is right, and what we owe God and our wives, and that is continence and purity of mind and heart. So just do it...or rather, don't do it....and take the discomfort as your due. Exercise. Cold shower. Prayer. Fasting. Whatever it takes.
5) Charity. When you are tempted to gratify your sexual desires when you know it is not right, it can help to get out of your self by acts of charity--praying for others, doing housework for old ladies who can't do them otherwise, feeding the hungry or visiting those in prison. Whatever gets you out of yourself is the antithesis of what fantasy and pornography offers, since they are all about getting you trapped in the prison of self-satisfaction. There's no shortage of things you can do to serve the body of Christ in need and get out of yourself.
6) Pray for your spouse. This is good practice at any time. Your job is to help your wife get to Heaven. Withholding love or being a jerk when you aren't getting any doesn't help with that. So, try to be extra nice and attentive, and show love in non-sexual ways. All of the above, and the subsequent discomfort, can be offered up as a mortification for her intentions. Be sure to spend extra time communicating verbally, since you won't be communing with your bodies in that unspoken language, at least maybe not for a time.
For the single man, much of this same advice applies, but maintaining self control may be in perpetuity, should you be a religious or unmarried. Marriage isn't a cure-all for lust; if anything, you have to fight even harder against it, to keep it out of the marriage bed and defiling it. Demons, once given a place in your home or heart, don't leave easily or willingly. Don't open the door for them, don't leave it unlocked, and don't give them opportunity to destroy what is good and of God in your life. Because they will; it's what they exist for.
So, take captive every thought. Fast. Break bad habit and develop good habit. Buck up. Practice charity. And pray for your spouse, offering up the discomfort for their sanctification. Lust is the downfall of many otherwise good men; it should have no place in your marriage, or in your life as a Christian, so be on guard. Remember your purpose, why God made you: to know Him, to love Him, and to serve Him in this world, and to be happy with Him for ever in heaven. Lust is a rotten fruit wrapped in a shiny package. Take it out of the frame all together.
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