I was reminded of the 43rd Chapter of the Rule ("On Those Who Come Late To The Work of God or to Table"), this morning:
"At the hour for the Divine Office, as soon as the signal is heard, let them abandon whatever they may have in hand and hasten with the greatest speed, yet with seriousness, so that there is no excuse for levity. Let nothing, therefore, be put before the Work of God." (Rule, Chap 43)
I had gotten up at 5am, like I do most mornings. My intention was to go to daily Mass, and I had plenty of time to do so. But I got an idea for something to write, and so I sat down to bang it out before I left out of the house. I knew in the back of my mind that wasn't totally realistic, and I was proved right: 5:30 rolled around, then 5:45, then 6 o'clock, and by the time I looked up it was too late---I wouldn't make it to Mass on time.
What I should have done was obvious--shut down the computer mid-sentence at 6 o'clock and gotten ready--but I didn't. It was a strange and subtle temptation, one that said in as many words "What you're doing is too important to leave. You can always go tomorrow or something." At the root was pride, and a neglect of priorities. Something was put before the Work of God, and it had no merit when it stood in the shadow of the altar.
It's hard--but absolutely necessary--to obey the word of God as soon as you hear it. Just as sexual temptation needs to be dealt with swiftly and mercilessly, uprooted as soon as it sprouts in the heart before it has a chance to send down roots, so to with whatever particular circumstance we find ourselves in yoked in obedience.
What did the Devil ultimately accomplish this morning? He kept me from the Eucharist and from worship, from discipline and nourishment, from forgiveness of sin and replacing it with sin itself.
Now, you might be saying, "it's not a sin to not go to daily Mass" and you would be right. But in this particular circumstance, I knew that I was not obeying the Holy Spirit, I knew I was being prideful, and I knew that God was making it possible by circumstance to go and I was ignoring the invitation in favor of something frivolous. That's saying no to God, and that is sin! I am not scrupulous, but it was clear, at this subtle level, that I had committed sin, and felt shame. Not in a neurotic kind of way...just in a way that recognized that I was not doing what was right, what God was calling me to, in that moment.
I'm not advanced in the spiritual life, but the subtleties are starting to show a little more now that the brusqueness of mortal and serious sin has been confessed and forgiven, and I'm attuning to those other imperfections and offenses that are not as glaringly obvious. The things we regard as little and harmless are in fact the opposite in God's eyes. As St Teresa of Avila said,
“Always be fearful if you do not feel sorry for the faults you commit, for even venial sin ought to fill you with sorrow to the very depths of your soul…. For the love of God, take care not to commit any deliberate venial sin, even the smallest…. And can anything be small if it offends God?” (Conceptions of the Love of God 2 – Way of Perfection 41)
A prayer I love is David's heartfelt request: "Search me, God, and know my heart. Test me, and know my anxious ways" (Ps 139:23), as well as the words of James, "If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you" (James 1:5).
Little things are big things to God, and big things to us are little things to Him. Make a habit of not brushing off those subtle convictions, when you know what you did was not right and not in obedience. That's why we have a conscience! Don't be afraid to go to Confession to confess venial sins, not in a spirit of neurosis or scrupulosity, but trusting in the mercy of God to bind up your wounds and heal your imperfections. Don't hesitate, for "if today you hear His voice, harden not your heart!" (Ps 95:1-2)
"For who knows a person's thoughts except their own spirit within them? In the same way no one knows the thoughts of God except the Spirit of God."
(1 Cor 2:11)