I love hearing people's stories, where they came from, but a curious thing with the monks I've met--many of them were reluctant to indulge trips down memory lane of their lives before their profession. This was intentional, I think--they had left a past life behind, some painfully so, to follow Christ. Hand to the plow; leaving the dead to bury their own dead. Whether I realized it or not, I was flippantly asking them to re-open a chapter in the book of their lives that for many had been long forgotten and, often, intentionally kept closed. They had taken new names, new identities, new lives, and were not interested in holding on to their past lives or revisiting them. They were new creations in Christ (2 Cor 5:17).
I have been journaling and writing for 20 years. I have every scrap of writing--poems, essays, articles, short stories, novels, book reviews, manuscripts, journals--saved on my google drive. I used to revisit my past in words, to learn from where I came from, what I have been through. But like the monks, some chapters can be painful to reopen, best not exhumed.
My journals from the years 2005 to 2006--when the black tornado of a newly minted manic-depression caught me off guard and ripped a hole through my life in its virgin visit--were one such chapter. I wrote volumes then; so many words. I have gone back to read them and try to make sense of them--the zinging tangents of thoughts, strung together with loose logic and wrapped together with a thin thread of frenzied keroucian inspiration--and I can't. It is like reading the thoughts of someone with dementia; a kind of quiet horror when you realize you turned your entire portfolio to an insane sheister with a ponzi scheme.
But in the thick of it, I had no idea I was not in my right mind. My good friends, the ones I didn't alienate and lose, knew. My fiance at the time did her best to keep it together and support me. My parents came down to get me to a hospital. I wasn't drinking or doing drugs or being promiscuous; in fact, I at least had the right sense to sequester myself in my apartment when I realized I was in the eye of the storm, so that I didn't do any lasting damage to myself or my reputation in public. I chain smoked from a tin of Top tobacco and wrote and invented things and didn't sleep for days at a time, but I was for the most part safe. Life was one big natural exhilarating orgasmic mental high that just wouldn't end.
It was a long road to recovery in the ensuing years, after the black crash. Mental illness is kind of like cancer of the mind--you learn to manage it, live with it, but a cure is out of the question, and you're never quite sure when your time in the clear of remission is up.
And yet, I have been completely symptom free, aside from some gentle mental ups and downs, for ten years. This was through a wedding, two moves, two kids, two job changes, and three deaths--your big life stresses, which are typically major triggers. When Deb and I first started going to NAMI bipolar support groups for families, many people told her, "wow, he is really high functioning." I didn't know what they meant by that, but many of those suffering were not working or on disability, with addictions and family issues.
I've learned a few things during that time. It's helped me stay healthy, and been good reminders when the going gets tough. I offer them to anyone who may be struggling themselves.
I've learned a few things during that time. It's helped me stay healthy, and been good reminders when the going gets tough. I offer them to anyone who may be struggling themselves.
1) Don't look back
This is a surprising temptation for those with this particular illness--to go off meds and in an attempt to feel "alive" again. Normal life seems boring and devoid of drama when buttressed up against the dizzying peak of mania. But I've come to appreciate boredom and stability. Nobody says, "I really miss the flu, the food in the hospital was so good, I wish I was sick again." I consider myself lucky to have escaped a worse fate. Don't be like Lot's wife, turned to a pillar of salt for looking back at the destruction of Sodom (Gen 19:26). Hand to the plow. Going back is not worth it. (Lk 9:62)
2) Taking off the identity
I have learned what I need to do, at least those things that are in my control, to stay healthy. Doctor. Support plan. Medication. Exercise. Therapy. Staying away from substances. Cognitive techniques. Prayer. I have no use for a diagnostic label for identity purposes or to seek some kind of special club status. I just want to live my life. (Gal 3:26)
3) Thoughts and moods are not reality.
They are what they are, but I'm more wary of putting too much stock in my feelings and emotions these days. They are not a solid foundation to build on. (Mt 7:24)
4) Everything needs to be checked against divine law.
It can be easy to justify sin when you consider yourself above conventional morality or on the road to some kind of perceived personal or prophetic sainthood. If an action or decision stands in contrast to the teachings of the Church and divine law, be very careful. "Fear him, do not sin. Ponder on your bed and be still. Make justice your sacrifice and trust in the Lord." (Ps. 4:4). A mind in a weakened state is prone to being led astray by the Father of Lies, who leverages our weaknesses. Hold fast to Christ, as a mast in a storm, for not one letter of the law will pass away. (Mt 5:18)
5) Malaise isn't forever, but death is.
Suicide is a constant threat. But it's not like a tiger prowling around its prey, existing on its own to destroy. It is an act of the will, even in the most weakened state. Fear him who is able to destroy body and soul in hell. (Mt 10:28). Do whatever it takes to hold on to life.
In Mark 5, Jesus heals a demon-possessed man, casting the demon out of him and into a heard of swine. The people came to Jesus and observed the man who had been demon-possessed sitting down, clothed and in his right mind, the very man who had had the 'legion'; and they became frightened.
Healings are more than just physical sometimes. There is a spiritual taproot to that which causes chaos and destruction in our lives; introducing sin and defiance to the created order makes everything harder, including remaining in our right minds for those who struggle with these particular mental irregularities. I like to remember to "Lean not on your own understanding, but trust in the Lord with all your heart" (Prov 3:5).