A few days ago I celebrated my 37th birthday with a small group of good friends at a restaurant in North Wilmington. My wife pulled off a great surprise by getting them all together, and I was impressed she was able to keep it a cool secret. Was nice to celebrate, and reflect on getting older.
I work on a college campus. I'm surrounded by 18-21 year old millennials most of my working day. As the old saying goes, "I keep getting older and they stay the same age." I'm not that old that I don't remember what it feels like to be half my age. Like most teenagers, I was tough to give advice to. I wouldn't listen, thought I knew everything about life and how to live it. I see a lot of heartache and hurt on campus too...a lot of sexual scars, a lot of stupid decisions, suicides and mental suffering. A lot of lost-ness. Sometimes I just want to shake the kids and say, "LISTEN! SAVE YOURSELF SOME HURT! DON'T MAKE THE SAME MISTAKES I DID! LISTEN TO THE LORD!!" But I know it will fall on deaf ears. They know everything, don't want to listen to an old head like me. The need to find out for themselves.
I don't really feel old. A tad bit more seasoned, a dash more cynical, a bit less adventurous, but for the most part I feel like I've had a good run so far, have experienced a lot, and am still alive to tell the tale.
I do have some regrets, though--or, if you prefer, 'things I would have done differently'. If I could find a kid half my age willing to listen, this is what I'd tell him based on two decades of hindsight:
1) Honor God with your body
Don't have sex before you are married. Just don't. Trust me on this one; give me the benefit of the doubt. The first girl you have sex with that you're not married to, you're probably not going to marry. That means you are going to part ways at some point having left behind a part of yourself that you can never get back with someone who will for all intents and purposes will become a stranger to you years down the road. And both of you are going to get hurt, whether you realize it or not, because you're playing with fire. Sex is a binder. I'm talking physically, emotionally, biologically, spiritually. While we're at it, 'hooking up' is a poor excuse as an alternative to sex as well. It causes emotional confusion, offends the dignity of the person you are using, and is spiritually damaging. "Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body." (1 Cor 6:19-20)
'How can something that feels so right be so wrong?' you might ask. I don't know, man. I know (now) that God made sex as an awesome gift but sex without marriage is like a snail without a shell. I know you may think you love someone and that that makes it ok, because it feels right. But I'm just telling you, if you'll listen to me: wait. 'But I'm 18. How am I supposed to wait for 5, 10, 15+ years??' I don't know son. Self-control is not easy. You have to learn how to make it a habit. It will totally benefit you in the long run, but in the short run it's probably going to hurt. 'But I'm not even thinking about marriage! I want to live life, have fun.' Good, that's good. That's fine. But just know that God has entrusted you with a gift, something you can't see what it's for now, something for someone else that doesn't really belong to you anyway. Save yourself some heartache. It will make your life easier in the long run. It will be pleasing to God, and if someone you meet is willing to wait like you, it's a good vetting tool. I don't know what else to say...you'll probably hate me now, but you'll thank me later.
2) Be careful with the substances.
It took me a long time to get back to zero. I wasted a lot of time and money and brain cells on alcohol and drugs and nicotine, and even then I got lucky. I don't have a taste for alcohol, but when I was hurting or lonely, I didn't hesitate to drink to stumbling. Having addictive tendencies, I'm thankful I never tried hard drugs because I probably would have O.D.'d. At my worst I ended up in the hospital after swallowing a handful of klonopin during an especially hard time in my life. Really, unless you're having a beer or two at a bar in a social situation, alcohol and drugs and other substances don't get you anywhere. There is NO benefit to them whatsoever. It's a lie, and very very hard to extricate yourself from once it has a hold on you. If you have addictive tendencies like I do, be very very careful.
3) Don't worry so much.
I was an anxious kid. There was always something to worry about, and I felt that if I didn't worry about it, said bad thing would happen. In my mind, worry was a kind of psychic inoculant. But it simply wasn't true. Things were going to happen whether I worried about them or not. All it did was mess with my GI track and helped me lose out on years of potential joy.
You major in college? Not the be all end all. Your driver's test? You'll pass eventually. Finances? Get pro-active and do what you can. Parents on the brink of divorce? Pray for them.
Even now I experience anxiety from time to time, like most people (and maybe a little worse). But I trust God more that worry is not his will, that it detracts from our mission as disciples. Jesus has good advice: "Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to your life?" (Lk 12:25).
4) Choose your friends wisely.
Your friends are a huge influence. Find some down to earth Christians who can have fun and honor God at the same time and who can accept you for who you are. Thankfully I had some of these. Find some older mentors, ones who are good role models. Again, I had a few, thankfully. Don't be afraid to stand alone if you have to, for what is right, than to corrupt yourself by fitting in with fools. You will be better for it in the long run.
5) Let your family know you love them, and forgive people who hurt you.
I take my family for granted. I think they'll always be around. They won't. I wish I would have spent more time with my dad and mom and brothers, not made excuses so much why I couldn't see them. Learn to forgive, and quickly. Grudges will rot you from the inside, and there is no worse feeling than someone dying before you can ask their forgiveness. Let people know when you are thinking of them and that you love them, and follow the model of Jesus when it comes to enemies you may have: to love them, and pray for those who persecute you. (Mt 5:44).
6) Be open to Life
It took me a long time to get on board with the Church's teaching on contraception, even years after becoming Catholic. If I regret anything the most, I regret not being open to life earlier in our marriage, not trusting God with our fertility. I know (KNOW) that God's way is always better than our own plan. White-knuckling our idea of how our life should be, in retrospect, feels so futile. I wonder how many blessings we have missed out on by not simply obeying God's will for our family.
God can make good out of bad, but he honors obedience, and there have been many instances in which we have not been obedient when God was maybe trying to do something in our lives. Who knows who would be in the world if its wasn't for our (my) hardness of heart, lack of trust, puny faith? Things tend to work out, sometimes better than we could have planned, sometimes with more hardships than we would have asked for, but always according to his purposes. I wish I would have trusted more. I wish I would have trusted.
7) Not telling more people about Jesus.
I love to be liked. But take my advice--if you are fitting in with the world too much and loved too much by the people in it, you may be on the road to hell. I have failed so many times to proclaim the Lord with my lips, in public, and accept any fallout that may come with that. "If anyone is ashamed of me and my words in this adulterous and sinful generation, the Son of Man will be ashamed of him when he comes in his Father' glory with the holy angels." (Mk 8:38). I have been a coward in so many occasions, wanting to fit in more than honor and risk something for Jesus. I have loved comfort and praise more than sharing the Gospel, and now I am making up for lost time. Even now, though, I am fearful and embarrassed in certain situations. I see sin all around me and I stay silent. I risk very little for the kingdom. You are not living for this world. Let me repeat--this world is not your home. Risk something for the Lord. Endure some scars for the Lord, something to show when you meet him at the Last Judgment. Don't be afraid to preach the Gospel, and for the love of God, USE WORDS! But get your own house in order first (see 1-6 above). Don't give ammunition to those who can accuse you, and don't scandalize others by claiming to live a Christian life and not doing so, the way I did for years.
My priest in college told me during Confession one time, "Rob, when you repent, God takes your sins and throws them in the middle of the ocean and puts a sign there that says":
I don't live my life in massive regret. It's just that there are a few things I have learned over the years that I would love to share with a young person willing to listen to spare some heartache for someone else who hasn't lived long enough to know yet. Thankfully, I have made it to 37 without a mass of scars, and it always amazes me what people can go through in life--whether by their own doing or as a result of family or domestic situations--that God can heal, things that can be literally so big and so damaging that it is enough to undo a person. God is bigger than our past, bigger than our sins and mistakes. But there are still things that have set me back so that I am just getting back to zero and while I suppose God can use them all for His purposes, I don't think He really wants us to go through them in the first place.
I work on a college campus. I'm surrounded by 18-21 year old millennials most of my working day. As the old saying goes, "I keep getting older and they stay the same age." I'm not that old that I don't remember what it feels like to be half my age. Like most teenagers, I was tough to give advice to. I wouldn't listen, thought I knew everything about life and how to live it. I see a lot of heartache and hurt on campus too...a lot of sexual scars, a lot of stupid decisions, suicides and mental suffering. A lot of lost-ness. Sometimes I just want to shake the kids and say, "LISTEN! SAVE YOURSELF SOME HURT! DON'T MAKE THE SAME MISTAKES I DID! LISTEN TO THE LORD!!" But I know it will fall on deaf ears. They know everything, don't want to listen to an old head like me. The need to find out for themselves.
I don't really feel old. A tad bit more seasoned, a dash more cynical, a bit less adventurous, but for the most part I feel like I've had a good run so far, have experienced a lot, and am still alive to tell the tale.
I do have some regrets, though--or, if you prefer, 'things I would have done differently'. If I could find a kid half my age willing to listen, this is what I'd tell him based on two decades of hindsight:
1) Honor God with your body
Don't have sex before you are married. Just don't. Trust me on this one; give me the benefit of the doubt. The first girl you have sex with that you're not married to, you're probably not going to marry. That means you are going to part ways at some point having left behind a part of yourself that you can never get back with someone who will for all intents and purposes will become a stranger to you years down the road. And both of you are going to get hurt, whether you realize it or not, because you're playing with fire. Sex is a binder. I'm talking physically, emotionally, biologically, spiritually. While we're at it, 'hooking up' is a poor excuse as an alternative to sex as well. It causes emotional confusion, offends the dignity of the person you are using, and is spiritually damaging. "Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body." (1 Cor 6:19-20)
'How can something that feels so right be so wrong?' you might ask. I don't know, man. I know (now) that God made sex as an awesome gift but sex without marriage is like a snail without a shell. I know you may think you love someone and that that makes it ok, because it feels right. But I'm just telling you, if you'll listen to me: wait. 'But I'm 18. How am I supposed to wait for 5, 10, 15+ years??' I don't know son. Self-control is not easy. You have to learn how to make it a habit. It will totally benefit you in the long run, but in the short run it's probably going to hurt. 'But I'm not even thinking about marriage! I want to live life, have fun.' Good, that's good. That's fine. But just know that God has entrusted you with a gift, something you can't see what it's for now, something for someone else that doesn't really belong to you anyway. Save yourself some heartache. It will make your life easier in the long run. It will be pleasing to God, and if someone you meet is willing to wait like you, it's a good vetting tool. I don't know what else to say...you'll probably hate me now, but you'll thank me later.
2) Be careful with the substances.
It took me a long time to get back to zero. I wasted a lot of time and money and brain cells on alcohol and drugs and nicotine, and even then I got lucky. I don't have a taste for alcohol, but when I was hurting or lonely, I didn't hesitate to drink to stumbling. Having addictive tendencies, I'm thankful I never tried hard drugs because I probably would have O.D.'d. At my worst I ended up in the hospital after swallowing a handful of klonopin during an especially hard time in my life. Really, unless you're having a beer or two at a bar in a social situation, alcohol and drugs and other substances don't get you anywhere. There is NO benefit to them whatsoever. It's a lie, and very very hard to extricate yourself from once it has a hold on you. If you have addictive tendencies like I do, be very very careful.
3) Don't worry so much.
I was an anxious kid. There was always something to worry about, and I felt that if I didn't worry about it, said bad thing would happen. In my mind, worry was a kind of psychic inoculant. But it simply wasn't true. Things were going to happen whether I worried about them or not. All it did was mess with my GI track and helped me lose out on years of potential joy.
You major in college? Not the be all end all. Your driver's test? You'll pass eventually. Finances? Get pro-active and do what you can. Parents on the brink of divorce? Pray for them.
Even now I experience anxiety from time to time, like most people (and maybe a little worse). But I trust God more that worry is not his will, that it detracts from our mission as disciples. Jesus has good advice: "Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to your life?" (Lk 12:25).
4) Choose your friends wisely.
Your friends are a huge influence. Find some down to earth Christians who can have fun and honor God at the same time and who can accept you for who you are. Thankfully I had some of these. Find some older mentors, ones who are good role models. Again, I had a few, thankfully. Don't be afraid to stand alone if you have to, for what is right, than to corrupt yourself by fitting in with fools. You will be better for it in the long run.
5) Let your family know you love them, and forgive people who hurt you.
I take my family for granted. I think they'll always be around. They won't. I wish I would have spent more time with my dad and mom and brothers, not made excuses so much why I couldn't see them. Learn to forgive, and quickly. Grudges will rot you from the inside, and there is no worse feeling than someone dying before you can ask their forgiveness. Let people know when you are thinking of them and that you love them, and follow the model of Jesus when it comes to enemies you may have: to love them, and pray for those who persecute you. (Mt 5:44).
6) Be open to Life
It took me a long time to get on board with the Church's teaching on contraception, even years after becoming Catholic. If I regret anything the most, I regret not being open to life earlier in our marriage, not trusting God with our fertility. I know (KNOW) that God's way is always better than our own plan. White-knuckling our idea of how our life should be, in retrospect, feels so futile. I wonder how many blessings we have missed out on by not simply obeying God's will for our family.
God can make good out of bad, but he honors obedience, and there have been many instances in which we have not been obedient when God was maybe trying to do something in our lives. Who knows who would be in the world if its wasn't for our (my) hardness of heart, lack of trust, puny faith? Things tend to work out, sometimes better than we could have planned, sometimes with more hardships than we would have asked for, but always according to his purposes. I wish I would have trusted more. I wish I would have trusted.
7) Not telling more people about Jesus.
I love to be liked. But take my advice--if you are fitting in with the world too much and loved too much by the people in it, you may be on the road to hell. I have failed so many times to proclaim the Lord with my lips, in public, and accept any fallout that may come with that. "If anyone is ashamed of me and my words in this adulterous and sinful generation, the Son of Man will be ashamed of him when he comes in his Father' glory with the holy angels." (Mk 8:38). I have been a coward in so many occasions, wanting to fit in more than honor and risk something for Jesus. I have loved comfort and praise more than sharing the Gospel, and now I am making up for lost time. Even now, though, I am fearful and embarrassed in certain situations. I see sin all around me and I stay silent. I risk very little for the kingdom. You are not living for this world. Let me repeat--this world is not your home. Risk something for the Lord. Endure some scars for the Lord, something to show when you meet him at the Last Judgment. Don't be afraid to preach the Gospel, and for the love of God, USE WORDS! But get your own house in order first (see 1-6 above). Don't give ammunition to those who can accuse you, and don't scandalize others by claiming to live a Christian life and not doing so, the way I did for years.
My priest in college told me during Confession one time, "Rob, when you repent, God takes your sins and throws them in the middle of the ocean and puts a sign there that says":
NO FISHING
I don't live my life in massive regret. It's just that there are a few things I have learned over the years that I would love to share with a young person willing to listen to spare some heartache for someone else who hasn't lived long enough to know yet. Thankfully, I have made it to 37 without a mass of scars, and it always amazes me what people can go through in life--whether by their own doing or as a result of family or domestic situations--that God can heal, things that can be literally so big and so damaging that it is enough to undo a person. God is bigger than our past, bigger than our sins and mistakes. But there are still things that have set me back so that I am just getting back to zero and while I suppose God can use them all for His purposes, I don't think He really wants us to go through them in the first place.
"'Come now, let us reason together', says the LORD. 'Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they are red as crimson, they shall be like wool.'"
(Is 1:18)