Almost 30,000 internet users are viewing pornography and collectively spending $3,075.64 on pornography.
Every second.
That amounts to $13.3 billion dollars annually.
And that's just in America (worldwide, porn revenue tops $96 billion)
And that's just what is being spent! (i.e., not counting free searches)
(And those stats are from ten years ago.)
The stats are staggering. But nobody is ever really moved by stats. I'm not a stats guy; I'm more of a story guy. So let me share a story that kind of relates to what I want to talk about.
It was the summer of 2002, and it was hot as hell in Allison Hill. The section of Harrisburg I lived in (14th and Market) was rife with drugs. I was surrounded by people dealing drugs, using drugs, prostituting themselves for drugs, killing over drugs, and dying from drug overdoses on a daily basis. I helped run a House of Hospitality for homeless men looking to get off drugs. We gave them a place to stay, a community to be a part of, helped them find employment and drove them to appointments and meetings. Two rules to live with us: you had to be clean, and you had to go to meetings.
One day a guy knocked on our door. His name was Thomas. He came from a family of drug dealers in Puerto Rico and had been using heroin since he was 15. He was 32. Not a day had gone by in 17 years that he had not had a fix. Nice guy. He wanted to get clean. Was an internationally trained chef at one point, had a wife, house, job...all lost to the dust. "No more drugs," he said.
We were able to secure a spot in-patient at Holy Spirit and drove him there, stayed with him in the white room, nothing in there, nothing on the ceilings (so patients couldn't hang themselves), waiting for nurses. As the hours went by and withdraw began, it was like witnessing an exorcism, a demon leaving. Fever and chills, bloodshot eyes, so so tired, the writhing. I held Thomas' head, gave him water when he was thirsty. Heroin's true colors coming out. It was around that time I began to see drugs for what they were: a pandemic, a scourge, an empty promise, and an instrument of Satan.
I'm come to see porn in a very similar way: a pandemic spreading in the world just below the surface, an innocuous spiritual health crisis that threatens to quietly and unassumingly tear apart individuals, marriages, and families in mass proportions. It's free, its accessible, it's private, it's easy, and it's tempting as hell.
The Devil tempts us with half-truths, not outright lies. He also takes good things and turns them rotten. The lie is that it's not that bad, or everyone's doing it so it can't be that bad, or no one in their right mind can resist the temptation of porn, or God doesn't expect us to be so puritanical. Sex is a good thing made rotten by porn.
Do you know your sexuality is a gift, a gift from God? There is a saying of Jesus in the bible that is a little strange, but it's apt here: "Salt is good, but if salt has lost its taste, how shall its saltiness be restored?" (Lk 14:34) Think about it a minute. Salt is an elemental flavor. Salt that's not salty is worthless, good for nothing but to be trampled underfoot. Our sexuality is, in many ways, our base--elemental. It undergirds many of our actions and energies, the way we relate, and of course, is what biologically keeps us from going extinct. It is pleasurable and gives rise to life. It is like a fire that warms houses, cooks foods, and lights darkness when it is controlled and contained. When it is not respected and parameters not heeded--it can engulf and destroy entire cities.
Here's my observations on porn, as a man who has both experienced it and stepped out of it:
It is super accessible
It is addicting
It is isolating
It is kind of boring
Maritally:
It brings a stranger into your bedroom and defiles the marriage bed
It short-circuits your pleasure sensors and reduces libido
It lodges in your brain
It ups your sexual threshold
It it adultery of the heart
Societally:
It contributes to assault and violence against women
It makes men think they have a "right" to sex
It perpetuates a billion dollar industry that degrades women
It fuels the sex trade and sexual slavery
It is a public health problem
Spiritually:
It is a sin
It rots the spirit
It distorts the meaning and nature of sex
It allows the Devil a foothold in your life
Freedom from pornography is possible. God gives us in baptism the graces needed to resist the lure of the Enemy. I'm come to regard porn kind of like smoking--it's best not to even have one drag, lest it lead to another, to another, and back to pack a day.
You are not powerless, but you do have to be aware. One technique that helps me is 'starving' or 'bouncing' the eyes. I take to heart the scripture in Mt 6:22 that says "the eye is the lamp of the body. If your eyes are healthy your whole body is filled with light." I know it's been said, but I don't think women fully realize how visual men are, how our sex drive is sparked by what is seen or imagined. So, if things impure or that lead to impurity are seen, it needs to be cut off right away. So, 'bouncing' the eyes is a good technique. Jesus made mention of this as well when he spoke hyperbolically to 'gouge out your eye if it causes you to sin." (Mt 18:9).
Starving the eyes and saving yourself for your wife is good or your spiritual health and good for your marriage and good for your sex life. Marriage precludes all others. I try to keep in mind that it is not a matter of 'want.' I have no right to other women, in the mind or in person. You see some porn star on screen and suddenly she is living in your head. Then you're with your wife in bed and that porn star shows up in your imagination. That's not good--it's not only inauthentic, it's delusional and you're with your wife in body only. Any body can do the mechanics of sex (boring). Thankfully sex in the confines of marriage is more than just mechanics. It involves the body, mind, emotions, and, yes, even the soul; and it needs to be safeguarded.
It's been said that what goes on outside the bedroom determines what goes on inside the bedroom. This is true. You can't neglect your spouse all day and then expect them to want to jump you in bed. You can't treat them badly and expect them to want to have sex with you. Temptation to porn is especially strong when things are tough in marriage--you don't want to invest the time or energy into providing what your spouse needs, you just want to get off; when you're fighting and storm off and need stress relief or want to get back at your spouse or don't care about them in the moment, porn looks like a good way to do it. You have to stay vigilant. Take it off the table--not an option (remember, you have no right!). Stay rooted in prayer. Be intentional about techniques. It doesn't happen overnight. Fall? Get up. Fall again? Get up again. Trust in the mercy of God. And get up.
Why do I write any of this? Because porn is a scourge. It quietly rips apart marriages and families. Communities are made up of marriages and families, and societies are made up of communities. So it goes beyond just you. But don't not look at porn for some 'it's good for society' reason. Do it for yourself. Do it for your marriage. Sex is better when it's not empty and not by yourself. Shame isn't present when it's intimate and self-giving and open to life, when you can engage your emotions rather than cut them off, when you are fully present. It really is good. It really is worth it. It really is hard.
In the words of Pope Paul VI:
"....the discipline which is proper to the purity of married couples, far from harming conjugal love, rather confers on it a higher human value. It demands continual effort yet, thanks to its beneficent influence, husband and wife fully develop their personalities, being enriched with spiritual values. Such discipline bestows upon family life fruits of serenity and peace; and facilitates the solution of other problems; it favors attention for one's partner, helps both parties to drive out selfishness, the enemy of true love, and deepens their sense of responsibility."
Don't settle for sexual counterfeit. God made us for so much more.
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