I'm fortunate in that I feel that I have a good, solid, holy, orthodox spiritual director. He is a priest and monk who is a member of a religious community about a two hour drive from me. I will try to see him in person a few times a year for confession and counsel (though I would go to Confession once a month at my local parish). He also does use Skype, so that is a real blessing because once a month or so I'm able to have a check-in that way, which is convenient, usually on a Saturday morning. He listens well, gives good, common sense counsel, and lives a life of prayer himself. He is not old and he is not young. He has a heart for the poor, and a heart for the Lord.
It can feel like a luxury in these days to have a spiritual director as a lay person. I don't know if it's an absolute necessity, but I find it helpful to have someone to talk to about in a focused, specific kind of way as it pertains to spiritual and life matters. I don't treat it as therapy, and I am mindful of his time. As you may find, the best are often the busiest.
I am inclined to say that it is better to have no spiritual direction than bad spiritual direction. For a number of years I saw a Jesuit priest for spiritual direction. He was kind but heterodox (he wrote a book on 'reconsidering' traditional Catholic sexual ethics. I also had another spiritual director for years before that who was a priest and monk, generous with his time in writing (letter exchanges via post) and very human, but sympathetic towards Eastern spiritual practices (which jived with me at the time). So, these were not maybe the best things, and I would see them as red flags today personally, but at the time I did not and honestly, I was probably in a place then when I was fine with it.
How did I 'find' my current spiritual director? Through prayer and a bit of an underground connection. I felt lead to reach out to someone I consider to be solid, orthodox, prayerful and committed to asceticism, who passed me the name of a community. I reached out to the community via email and waited a few months. The prior received my request and arranged for one of the brothers to reach out to me, which he did. We met in person, and I got a feel for him and him for me.
A couple notes:
- I personally do not pay for spiritual direction. I don't know if that is the norm or not, but I had an instance in the past where a priest did charge me as a way of supporting himself. Personally, I was always kind of uncomfortable with that setup. It you are seeing a lay counselor I suppose maybe that is normal. I just didn't like it. I will offer prayers of thanks and prayers for the intentions of my spiritual director.
- Pay attention to intuition. Trust your gut, if you are prayerful and sincere. Don't seek out people who are going to tickle your ear with things you want to hear. You also don't want some kind of weird co-dependency either, someone who will manipulate or take advantage of any vulnerabilities. If anything feels off, pay attention to that.
- Be mindful of their time. Oftentimes this is a work of charity for them. Like I said, Skype once a month (even that may be more than they are able to give you), and meeting in person a few times a year, with 'as needed' counsel by email or phone. I try to stay focused on what my specific 'issues' at the time are, and keep it focused and pragmatic. Counsel should be appropriate to your state in life (married or single, children and family responsibilities, etc)
- I try to read a lot of the lives of the saints, and their writings. If one is a saint, we know they are in heaven and have been vetted by the Church. We can ask for their intercession and help, and use their teachings as guides (the way you might do a kind of self-guided tour). We see in the saints certain consistent qualities--charity, prayerfulness, asceticism, obedience, general common sense. The large majority of us are not mystics, though we may be drawn to the writings of mystics. I'm more of a pragmatist, personally. Find a saint who you connect with and feel an affinity to, and learn from them and their writings.
- A good spiritual director should be a man or woman of prayer. I prefer a priest, but that's just me. Do they seem like a good, living example of someone striving for holiness?
- Pray yourself, for wisdom and discernment, and for a clean heart, for wise counsel. "Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you." (Mt 7:7)
- Surround yourself with good, faithful, orthodox people. Seek them out, in real life if possible and if not online too (though with discernment). The company you keep will determine your connections and who you come in contact with. You never know too, where those connections might lead in this regard.
I hope maybe this will help you. I'm certainly no expert, just a busy husband and dad trying to lead his family to Heaven. Pray, hope, and don't worry, as St. Pio said. Please pray for me.
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